The Girl Who Finds Everything

It was more than one year ago, practically two,
When all the clocks stopped.
Primal and disorganized, I levitated.
Just a few inches, really. Nothing much.
I misplaced, then later found, small things.
Pale, I turned to you. You were there
But tried not to be. Your absence was a statement
In itself. You stopped coming by.

The year I lost control,
I made you perfect.

In between songs I heard waves. I tried to explain it.
Maybe it was traffic or trains in the distance.
This was the year we misplaced
The personal space between us. I spun,
And lost my momentum. I jumped ship.
Sleep is a thief and my allegiance is thin.

(Behave yourself, girl. That's no way to manage your appetite.)

I manipulated time to keep your scent lingering.
In hindsight, I kept things in order.
Everything was arranged, just in case.
I almost stopped remembering my hands in your pocket
Taking shelter.

Into the womb of flannel and down,
I’ve learned to pray to the keeper of dreams.
Sleep is a thief and my allegiance is thin.

The year I cried myself to sleep
I made you perfect.

That whole thing about time,
Time heals, time passes,
Well, sometimes it's just not true.

There is nothing like feeling the heartbreak yourself,
There is nothing like death so near
To question the end of every life, the inevitable loss
Of every single loved one.

(Behave yourself, girl. That's no way to manage your fear.)

There are no words that sound real until the words
Become your glass shattering, your world freezing,
Until someone tells you to go, just go,
Because you no longer belong wherever it is that you are standing.
And going is this absurd task when you pack extra tea bags
And eat two sandwiches because you don’t know what else to do,
And your other sister notices you have freckles,
For the first time, outside a hospital room.

Nothing about it is ever real but the hindsight.
I tried to bargain my life.

That whole thing about time,
Time heals, time passes,
Well, sometimes it's just not true.
Time stains.

No one asks anymore, everything is fine.
And simultaneously,

The year I lost you,
I made you perfect.