All My Lovers Are Flowers

Cold hands and leftovers,
Discomfort, collateral damage. What of it?
Don't bite your nails. Hide your face.
A small imagined sweep of hair
Softly, mine from behind.

Sleep your pattern,
Sleep your surrender,
Sleep your matter.

History outgrew me in time
Then the first snowfall. What is it you want?
What is it you're not getting?
Don't think I haven't noticed
You don't sleep.
What is it you need?

All my lovers are flowers.
The thirst gets the best of everyone.

I could only take so much of the distance,
I could only take so much of those small things
That only existed on the back of envelopes,
Torn, illegible and true.
I begged you to stop picking at your skin, I begged you
To take me elsewhere, I begged you to
Take me home. You never found the words.

All my lovers are flowers.
It wasn't that big of a deal
But I never really got over it.
You set me free but I didn't take flight.
Domesticated, docile and bound.

Sleep your matter, woman.
Sleep your soundtrack,
The mystery, the cold liquid.

Sleep the sighs…

I tried to help,
I begged you to take me elsewhere,
I begged you to take me home.
It wasn't that big of a deal
But I never really got over it.

Sleep your silence,
Sleep your surrender.
Sleep your matter, woman.
Sleep your matter.

The Girl Who Finds Everything

It was more than one year ago, practically two,
When all the clocks stopped.
Primal and disorganized, I levitated.
Just a few inches, really. Nothing much.
I misplaced, then later found, small things.
Pale, I turned to you. You were there
But tried not to be. Your absence was a statement
In itself. You stopped coming by.

The year I lost control,
I made you perfect.

In between songs I heard waves. I tried to explain it.
Maybe it was traffic or trains in the distance.
This was the year we misplaced
The personal space between us. I spun,
And lost my momentum. I jumped ship.
Sleep is a thief and my allegiance is thin.

(Behave yourself, girl. That's no way to manage your appetite.)

I manipulated time to keep your scent lingering.
In hindsight, I kept things in order.
Everything was arranged, just in case.
I almost stopped remembering my hands in your pocket
Taking shelter.

Into the womb of flannel and down,
I’ve learned to pray to the keeper of dreams.
Sleep is a thief and my allegiance is thin.

The year I cried myself to sleep
I made you perfect.

That whole thing about time,
Time heals, time passes,
Well, sometimes it's just not true.

There is nothing like feeling the heartbreak yourself,
There is nothing like death so near
To question the end of every life, the inevitable loss
Of every single loved one.

(Behave yourself, girl. That's no way to manage your fear.)

There are no words that sound real until the words
Become your glass shattering, your world freezing,
Until someone tells you to go, just go,
Because you no longer belong wherever it is that you are standing.
And going is this absurd task when you pack extra tea bags
And eat two sandwiches because you don’t know what else to do,
And your other sister notices you have freckles,
For the first time, outside a hospital room.

Nothing about it is ever real but the hindsight.
I tried to bargain my life.

That whole thing about time,
Time heals, time passes,
Well, sometimes it's just not true.
Time stains.

No one asks anymore, everything is fine.
And simultaneously,

The year I lost you,
I made you perfect.

It Stays Here

Ephemeral attraction,
Something fierce marred
By the scripted cliché of inexperience,
Vague, effete,
I looked everywhere, everywhere.
I'd been ready for years.

Focused forward. Fool, too.
Throwing combustibles into the hot spot,
Somewhere in the vicinity, a carnival, my heart. Yes.
Somewhere a sad girl went home
With the smallest of prizes,
Dressed it up and called it fancy. It was.
Dim the lights and squint your eyes.

You thought I'd let a stranger break my heart.
What were you thinking? Wind, clear the air here.
I can't breathe and I don't like the way it smells.

The sadness creeps up my inner arms,
Drama settles where my skin is softest and white.
Everywhere else is sun-kissed with history.
Tapping the same vein. Again?
Again. Well. Not everyone flies,
Not every time anyway.

Maybe the truth I've been searching for
Lies in the search itself,
Maybe the balance I seek is found
In the seeking itself,
I wasn't going to let a stranger break my heart,
Not in this noisy place anyway. Fool.

I looked through the darkness
When it was best to see with my heart,
Waiting for a scene to come together.
So I saved your place, there's a shadow here still.
Never the girl to play hard to get. Hardly.
It was easier for me to skip past it,
I'd otherwise hold it dear
And never let go. You don't know.

I couldn't let a stranger break my heart,
No matter how beautiful the scarlet scent
Of potential. No matter.
You've never seen a woman devastated
Turn away from you and not look back.
Fool. I didn't take it with me.

Look at your hands.
I didn't take it with me.